Dearest blog,
Today I came across an artist I use to listen to frequently, BrightEyes. I decided I would listen to all of his music; all 10 albums and 5 EP's (yes, I'm missing one EP.) While listening to the first song I realized how wonderfully fragile his voice is and how much meaning his songs have.
After getting through the first few songs (playing on random), the song Make A Plan To Love Me came on. Once the first word was spoken I was instantly hit with emotions and memories. Memories of someone who played a huge part in my life. I started remembering old conversations which has left a bitter-sweet impression where, anatomically, my heart would be. I say 'anatomically' because one specific spot in my chest felt like it dropped and my heart beat seemed like it sped up and slowed down at the same time.
After awhile of being trapped in my own thoughts, the song I Must Belong Somewhere startled me and caught my attention. "Everything must belong somewhere. I know that now that's why I'm staying here." - straight from the chorus. This song completely reminded me of being about 16, lying in bed, hearing the song for the first time, and thinking to myself, "I know where I belong." Take a guess where that would be, or better yet, with whom. Like I said before, this all left me bitter-sweet.
It makes me happy that I got to know him. Having someone in my life that never wanted to stop knowing how I felt. Someone who was the first person I turned to when there was a problem, and they were there to cheer me up and keep me from crying with a logical solution with my problem. He made me open my eyes and see the world for what it really was. Just knowing that everyday I got up, there was a guarantee for a smile, not just for my face, but for his. He was someone who kick-started myself esteem when I felt like I hit rock bottom. Nothing and no one could hurt me as long as he was around.
Not only was all of that amazing, but I was someone he knew he could turn to when he needed to break down, well, as much as he could anyway. I was the optimism in his life that was full of pessimistic thoughts. I was someone he could share his poetry with and he was my number one supporter in my poetry. I was someone who waited up for him at night just to know he made it home safely. He never had to change himself around me and I never had to act differently. We were completely comfortable around each other, not one insecurity was to be found. He was someone who truly loved me.
I digress......
What makes me bitter is everything I mentioned is gone. I know longer talk to him. He's no longer in my life. Why you may ask, well, that's a long story in and of itself, but lets skip over what happened and say that it's my fault, because it is. I ruined my own fairy tale and I was the princess. I just wasn't able to realize that what I was doing was making me lose it all. I couldn't seem to just jump on the white horse and ride away with my prince. I still don't know why I ruined it. I wish I did. I really do.
All of my thoughts, my actions are almost unjustifiable looking back on them now. I know this isn't something I should be thinking about, but it's hard to let go of something that was all you ever wanted. I let it slip away. I wait for the day that I'll feel that way again. I try to keep my hopes high, but after remembering....let me change that, I never forgot about it.... But after uncovering so much today I'm not sure if that feeling is ever coming back. This may be something I will have to accept but I will continue to hope, because he wouldn't want me to give up on happiness.
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