JB.

Dearest blog,

All day I've been thinking of a past friend that is no longer. It's not that we're not friends anymore, it's just....he's dead now. Sorry to be so blunt. I suppose telling the story is in line.

When I was really young, there was this boy that lived down the road from my family. They were all red-heads except for their father. Well, my friends' name was Joseph. Joseph and I always hung out with each other whenever my sister visited his older siblings. I remember Joseph and I use to play together in the dirt and swim in the pond. It was a happy moment when I was young. He was my best friend and pretty much one of the first guys I made friends with.

Things started to change....

Joseph fell into a deep depression (yes, at our age, about six or seven). I remember everyone at school use to make fun of him because he was an extremely curly red-head. He was picked on for his hair almost as badly as I was for being fat. He use to tell me all about what he went though at school as well as I would tell him about what happened to me. We were best friends. We shared all secrets. But to top off his curly red-haired beat downs at school, his parents were arguing and getting a divorce. "They don't love each other any more." as he put it. He cried to me about this. He had a right to, but I didn't know that would be the last time I seen him.

*Side note to keep in mind, this was about the only time I had actually ever been inside his house. *

Not only was I watching my best friend cry in the privacy of an empty living room, I was trying to keep him calm as much as I could. Just be there for him. I didn't know that all I was doing wasn't good enough. He ran outside to the shed and I called for him to come back. He kept running. I followed him after he got into the shed. I walked in and seen his arm covered in blood with cuts across them. I was very confused. Then, what seemed to happen in half a second, he told me to go and shot his self in the head. I stood there for what then seemed to be a life time, even though it was only a few seconds. My face dripped with tears that fell from my eyes without being able to be stopped. I ran home. I was scared.

I never said anything about what I seen until I was about fourteen. I had been put into a mental hospital for, ironically, attempted suicide. I told the doctor/therapist about seeing that. The doctor/therapist told my parents about all this, which they had the right to. My mom said that never happened and that Joseph was alive in another part of the country. I didn't believe her, because I know what I saw. I hated that she would say something like that, and pretty much call me a liar.

After awhile I dwelled on the thought of if he was really alive. If he could have lived through what I saw him do. I didn't know. I just know what I seen with my eyes. I also wondered what could have happened if I told someone what I saw that day. If that could of or would of helped. I guess I won't know. I just wanted to share.

Do you ever feel....

Dearest blog,

Is there ever a time that you feel completely unloved because of one single action or one word? Maybe not the words that are said or the actions made, maybe it's just what was not done. Well that's what this blog is about.

Lately I feel like emotionally I've been on the edge of a cliff, holding on to the limb of hope, anticipating for someone to rescue me from falling but help isn't on the way. So I try to pull myself up by saying it's all ok and that I can do this on my own. Then out of the horizon someone comes the distance. Instead, this someone comes and fools me into thinking I'll be saved, then they let me go.

There isn't any ONE specific person this goes to, it's just people in general. The ones you hold dear. Which I guess that's why they seem to do this to you. You expect so much from them because you would go that far for them. But then again, I think it's really my own doing for feeling this way. Like I said, I was already hanging off the cliff but I never really asked for help. I just hang there, assuming the person standing above me, seeing me there, would understand I need them.

I suppose I really am the one to blame here. I mean, not everyone will say the right thing or do the right thing, it's just so hard to understand what to do when you almost instantly feel disfavored by friends, family, and your significant other.

This entire blog is just about me being to emotional. Too easily hurt. Silly me.  But top it all off with not being able to ACTUALLY talk about what's wrong or what's bothering me.

I've been away.

Dearest blog,

I notice that I have been away for almost 2 weeks. I am terribly sorry. I can't say that A LOT has been going on, but a few things have happened. I'll give you the gist of what's been going on. I don't want to spend too much time on all of this.

First off, according to Adam, I grew a pair of balls. Not literally, figuratively. I somewhat have to agree with him there because it took a lot of nerve for me to up and quit my job like it did. I finally stood up and did what I wanted to do. Fuck knows, those people were working me like madd crazy for me to only be paid minimum wage.

Secondly, I've really been enjoying my passed few days with Adam. Like he says, "We have that once-in-a-life-time thing that most people search there entire lives to achieve and we've got it." In all honesty, I agree with Sir Adam. Not just because he's my boyfriend, but he's my best friend too. We are an amazing couple and that's not going to change.

Third...ly? Adam and I have been looking into this 2012 situation. We're not saying "OMG THE WORLDS GONNA END! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!". We've just been taking a mighty big interest into it. Some people believe the world is going to end. Some people believe that 2012 is the second coming of christ. As for Adam and I (and what seems to be scientists too) just seem to think that there's going to be a big change in the world (♪ It's the end of the world as we know it♪). Just as the Ice Age, the Bronze Age, and the Stone Age, this 2012 will be a change, not the end.