Thoughts I shouldn't have.

Dearest blog,

   Today I came across an artist I use to listen to frequently, BrightEyes. I decided I would listen to all of his music; all 10 albums and 5 EP's (yes, I'm missing one EP.) While listening to the first song I realized how wonderfully fragile his voice is and how much meaning his songs have.

   After getting through the first few songs (playing on random), the song Make A Plan To Love Me came on. Once the first word was spoken I was instantly hit with emotions and memories. Memories of someone who played a huge part in my life. I started remembering old conversations which has left a bitter-sweet impression where, anatomically, my heart would be. I say 'anatomically' because one specific spot in my chest felt like it dropped and my heart beat seemed like it sped up and slowed down at the same time.

   After awhile of being trapped in my own thoughts, the song I Must Belong Somewhere startled me and caught my attention. "Everything must belong somewhere. I know that now that's why I'm staying here." - straight from the chorus. This song completely reminded me of being about 16, lying in bed, hearing the song for the first time, and thinking to myself, "I know where I belong." Take a guess where that would be, or better yet, with whom. Like I said before, this all left me bitter-sweet.

   It makes me happy that I got to know him. Having someone in my life that never wanted to stop knowing how I felt. Someone who was the first person I turned to when there was a problem, and they were there to cheer me up and keep me from crying with a logical solution with my problem. He made me open my eyes and see the world for what it really was. Just knowing that everyday I got up, there was a guarantee for a smile, not just for my face, but for his. He was someone who kick-started myself esteem when I felt like I hit rock bottom. Nothing and no one could hurt me as long as he was around.

   Not only was all of that amazing, but I was someone he knew he could turn to when he needed to break down, well, as much as he could anyway. I was the optimism in his life that was full of pessimistic thoughts. I was someone he could share his poetry with and he was my number one supporter in my poetry. I was someone who waited up for him at night just to know he made it home safely. He never had to change himself around me and I never had to act differently. We were completely comfortable around each other, not one insecurity was to be found. He was someone who truly loved me.

   I digress......

   What makes me bitter is everything I mentioned is gone. I know longer talk to him. He's no longer in my life. Why you may ask, well, that's a long story in and of itself, but lets skip over what happened and say that it's my fault, because it is. I ruined my own fairy tale and I was the princess. I just wasn't able to realize that what I was doing was making me lose it all. I couldn't seem to just jump on the white horse and ride away with my prince. I still don't know why I ruined it. I wish I did. I really do.

   All of  my thoughts, my actions are almost unjustifiable looking back on them now. I know this isn't something I should be thinking about, but it's hard to let go of something that was all you ever wanted. I let it slip away. I wait for the day that I'll feel that way again. I try to keep my hopes high, but after remembering....let me change that, I never forgot about it.... But after uncovering so much today I'm not sure if that feeling is ever coming back. This may be something I will have to accept but I will continue to hope, because he wouldn't want me to give up on happiness.

On my mind.

"Why can we never go back to bed? Whose is the voice ringing in my head? Where is the sense in these desperate dreams? Why should I wake when I'm half past dead?"

Sadly, this is the way I've been feeling; "half past dead" as if it's a real time. I spend most nights sleeping for a short period of time then wake up and laying in bed thinking. Thinking about myself, my life, my once upon a time friends. Keeps me awake for awhile and then I just drift back into sleep. Thus the reason I wake up tired.

"Like a dream I had, in subconscious deep, here you come again only in my sleep and I remember you. I remember you like a memory of a time gone by. Many things I've seen still I can't deny that I remember you. Yes I remember the things you do to me."

I think everyone has a memory of someone they remember and hold so near to their heart. And no matter how much or how hard you try to forget them to make it through your own life, the memory of them keeps returning, as if they were suppose to ALWAYS be in your life.

"I want to heal you pretty sweet. I'll throw rose petals at your feet. I'll spend eternity comparing all my poetry to yours. I want to see love through your eyes. You'll never have to compromise. I'd give up all my fame to  bite your demons and your bloody woes." 

I think every girl has one person that treated her like a queen in every way. Spent her days talking to him all day long and never once a dull conversation.  He even was able to let her close and tell her his deepest desires as well as sharing his fears. Someone they looked up to with every bone in her body. Someone who would die for them. Someone who would make sure they were happy.














Sometimes, I think about this person and just wonder.  Wonder if anyone will ever been this person again. As much as I think about it, I know it's impossible and I should stop thinking about it. However, as much as I try, it probably wont every happen. I'll probably never stop remembering this person and comparing everyone to them. But then again, why should I? Someone who made me feel that amazing, someone who lifted my self confidence, someone who dealt with me when I was nearly impossible to talk to, someone who helped me become who I am, why should I ever forget that person?  I shouldn't have to and no one should ever ask that of me. If anyone ever was to do that, they should stop and think about how much different I would be without that person ever being in my life, and they should stop and thank that person.

The Chaos Theory.

Dearest blog,

Today I recently rediscovered an old CD, yes, I said CD, that helped me realize how to take life and what it should be about. This CD is called The Chaos Theory. Inside this CD is about a three paragraphs stating what the Chaos Theory is. This is what it says.....

"When you die, and come to stand before your book of life, what do you think you will find? For each new experience that you have, a page is added to this book, making it fuller and longer. If you lead an adventurous life, your book will be an enormous tome, full of wondrous experiences, accomplishments, and yes, even failures. Unfortunately, many people are stuck on the same page because they are caught up in a routine, such as going to work, coming home, watching tv, and going to sleep, with very little deviation from the norm. They are mired on that same page, so no new pages are written in their book of life, and when they die it will be very thin. They know what tomorrow will bring, because they lived it the day before. When they think back on their life, it will appear that time has flown by, because they have no strong memories to grasp on to. That same day they kept living over and over will be remembered as just one long day. 

Live your days with this knowledge, because with new experiences also comes wisdom, and a deeper understanding of life and what comes after. Never pass by any good opportunity, for it may never come again. Don't be controlled by your fears, because this leads to regret, and regret is the heaviest weight one can carry. Chaos provides strength, because even though at times it may be dangerous, it can get you pointed in the right direction, even when all other factors hold you back. In other words, sometimes you just have to say, "Fuck it!" and just do something even if it doesn't make total sense or wasn't planned out. Chaos mixed with passion is like keys opening the doors to your desires. The more freely you behave, the more free you will become and you shall break free of the prison that is all like to be your own mind. Besides, think of all the stories you'll be able to tell whether good or bad. 

So, tell that girl how you feel, break up with that jobber you're too afraid to leave, ditch that whack city and move to where ever the hell you want to live, save your money and take that trip overseas, do things on the spur of the moment, start that business you were thinking about, take a stick and beat that mother fucker who hit your sister, visit your old friend that you haven't seen in years-- whatever it is you want to do. Now is the time. Live in the present. Don't talk about what you are going to do one day--start making it happen today. This is the Chaos Theory: that chaos can bring strength, adventure, and make your dreams possible, where rational thought might fail. Living your life in this way, for better or worse, is sure to be more entertaining  that not living your life at all."

To me, this meant a lot. Not in a religious way, but a way to live life. Instead of sitting around doing the same old boring stuff everyday, get out there and do something different. You'll have plenty of time to be boring when you're in your nursing home trying to remember who you are. Leave a mark on this world. If not for you, then for the people that know you, friends, family. Give them something to talk about after you're buried 6ft under. 

I hope this meant something to you, like it did for me. 

This is my life.

Dearest blog,

Recently my moods have just dropped. Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if I hit a hard place and fell into a deep depression. I've already started to cry at night, get angry when I feel the slightest bit of boredom, and even sigh deeply for no reason because, really, breathing normally is just SO "over-rated". But, I can't blame anyone by myself. This is the life I chose, and now I have to live it.

See blog, I've put thought into this, and well, I seem to think I have figured out the source.

1. Being boring. I've always mentally been older and more boring than most people. I hardly ever went out with friends. If someone asked if I wanted to hang out, most of the time I would just say I couldn't. I said this a lot because I was afraid to even ask my parents because of my fear of rejection and having an argument with them. So I just stayed home. Sat in bed. Staring blankly at my laptop screen. Which is sadly, still my life.   
2. My weight. I've always been bigger than everyone else. It stopped bothering me for about 6 months out of my entire teenage years, but of course, I began to hate myself for what I was...er...am. At first when I realized I was bigger than all the other kids, I didn't care. You know, "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me."? Yeah, I believed that for awhile, or at least I told myself I did. I mostly just ignored the fact I was huge and carried on. Then it hit me in high school. Not only did the boys I like not like me because of how big I was, (except for the ones that likes me for what I was, but sadly I ended up ruining because I was too scared about everything that I felt the need to ruin everything.) but the boys that did like me really weren't the guys I WANTED to date, but the guys I settled for because I didn't think I could do better. Plus, what all the average sized kids were doing, fatty couldn't do, which resulted in me staying home eating and crying because what else was there to do? My friends were all too busy having fun to know how I felt as I sat at home. Which is sadly, still my life. 
3. Lack of motivation. I've always wanted to be a thin, fun loving, energetic, excited for everything, kind of girl. So I thought "If I got thin, then I'd have a lot more fun, wouldn't feel so self conscious, and my friends would love me." And even for awhile I started going to the gym in my neighborhood, going swimming, doing those stupid ass workout things on the t.v., I tried it all. I even wrote down what I ate the entire day just so I wouldn't eat it anymore....but it all failed. I finally realized that if no one was going to like me when I'm fat, no one will like me if I was skinny. I can't do it for me, and i certainly can't do it for anyone else. Which is sadly, still my life.

Even with all this being said and this still being my life, I want to change it. I want to have more fun. I want to be able to have fun, and go out, make a lot of noise, be the life of the party for once. But sadly, I highly doubt that will happen. I'll probably just continue to sit behind my computer screen, staring at it blankly until I have kids one day. Then I'll raise them until they feel like they should be going out and having fun with the friends I never had. Not wanting to be seen by their "totally uncool mom". Then I'll go back to sitting behind my compute screen, staring at it blankly. But like I said, this is the life I chose, and I have to live it.

JB.

Dearest blog,

All day I've been thinking of a past friend that is no longer. It's not that we're not friends anymore, it's just....he's dead now. Sorry to be so blunt. I suppose telling the story is in line.

When I was really young, there was this boy that lived down the road from my family. They were all red-heads except for their father. Well, my friends' name was Joseph. Joseph and I always hung out with each other whenever my sister visited his older siblings. I remember Joseph and I use to play together in the dirt and swim in the pond. It was a happy moment when I was young. He was my best friend and pretty much one of the first guys I made friends with.

Things started to change....

Joseph fell into a deep depression (yes, at our age, about six or seven). I remember everyone at school use to make fun of him because he was an extremely curly red-head. He was picked on for his hair almost as badly as I was for being fat. He use to tell me all about what he went though at school as well as I would tell him about what happened to me. We were best friends. We shared all secrets. But to top off his curly red-haired beat downs at school, his parents were arguing and getting a divorce. "They don't love each other any more." as he put it. He cried to me about this. He had a right to, but I didn't know that would be the last time I seen him.

*Side note to keep in mind, this was about the only time I had actually ever been inside his house. *

Not only was I watching my best friend cry in the privacy of an empty living room, I was trying to keep him calm as much as I could. Just be there for him. I didn't know that all I was doing wasn't good enough. He ran outside to the shed and I called for him to come back. He kept running. I followed him after he got into the shed. I walked in and seen his arm covered in blood with cuts across them. I was very confused. Then, what seemed to happen in half a second, he told me to go and shot his self in the head. I stood there for what then seemed to be a life time, even though it was only a few seconds. My face dripped with tears that fell from my eyes without being able to be stopped. I ran home. I was scared.

I never said anything about what I seen until I was about fourteen. I had been put into a mental hospital for, ironically, attempted suicide. I told the doctor/therapist about seeing that. The doctor/therapist told my parents about all this, which they had the right to. My mom said that never happened and that Joseph was alive in another part of the country. I didn't believe her, because I know what I saw. I hated that she would say something like that, and pretty much call me a liar.

After awhile I dwelled on the thought of if he was really alive. If he could have lived through what I saw him do. I didn't know. I just know what I seen with my eyes. I also wondered what could have happened if I told someone what I saw that day. If that could of or would of helped. I guess I won't know. I just wanted to share.

Do you ever feel....

Dearest blog,

Is there ever a time that you feel completely unloved because of one single action or one word? Maybe not the words that are said or the actions made, maybe it's just what was not done. Well that's what this blog is about.

Lately I feel like emotionally I've been on the edge of a cliff, holding on to the limb of hope, anticipating for someone to rescue me from falling but help isn't on the way. So I try to pull myself up by saying it's all ok and that I can do this on my own. Then out of the horizon someone comes the distance. Instead, this someone comes and fools me into thinking I'll be saved, then they let me go.

There isn't any ONE specific person this goes to, it's just people in general. The ones you hold dear. Which I guess that's why they seem to do this to you. You expect so much from them because you would go that far for them. But then again, I think it's really my own doing for feeling this way. Like I said, I was already hanging off the cliff but I never really asked for help. I just hang there, assuming the person standing above me, seeing me there, would understand I need them.

I suppose I really am the one to blame here. I mean, not everyone will say the right thing or do the right thing, it's just so hard to understand what to do when you almost instantly feel disfavored by friends, family, and your significant other.

This entire blog is just about me being to emotional. Too easily hurt. Silly me.  But top it all off with not being able to ACTUALLY talk about what's wrong or what's bothering me.

I've been away.

Dearest blog,

I notice that I have been away for almost 2 weeks. I am terribly sorry. I can't say that A LOT has been going on, but a few things have happened. I'll give you the gist of what's been going on. I don't want to spend too much time on all of this.

First off, according to Adam, I grew a pair of balls. Not literally, figuratively. I somewhat have to agree with him there because it took a lot of nerve for me to up and quit my job like it did. I finally stood up and did what I wanted to do. Fuck knows, those people were working me like madd crazy for me to only be paid minimum wage.

Secondly, I've really been enjoying my passed few days with Adam. Like he says, "We have that once-in-a-life-time thing that most people search there entire lives to achieve and we've got it." In all honesty, I agree with Sir Adam. Not just because he's my boyfriend, but he's my best friend too. We are an amazing couple and that's not going to change.

Third...ly? Adam and I have been looking into this 2012 situation. We're not saying "OMG THE WORLDS GONNA END! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!". We've just been taking a mighty big interest into it. Some people believe the world is going to end. Some people believe that 2012 is the second coming of christ. As for Adam and I (and what seems to be scientists too) just seem to think that there's going to be a big change in the world (♪ It's the end of the world as we know it♪). Just as the Ice Age, the Bronze Age, and the Stone Age, this 2012 will be a change, not the end.  

For those leaving High School.

Dearest blog,

This is going to those who just graduated High School or who are about to graduate. You pretty much have two choices. One, you move out of your parents house, get a job, and postpone more school (if of course you decided to keep going.). Two, you go to get more schooling and realize that it wasn't all it's cracked up to be.

No one ever tells you that after high school you pretty much have no one. You have your parents, of course, that still talk to you just to see if you are doing alright without them. But all in all, I'm pretty sure after you move out they just kind of call every once in awhile because you're not with them anymore and they miss having someone around the house.

On occasion you'll hear from a friend who you use to go to school with.  You have those conversations on how many awesome times you had together. Slowly, deeper and deeper into the conversation you realize they are only talking to you because one of three reasons. One, they themselves have no one to talk to and seen that you were online or not busy at the store. Two, seen that you might not be doing so well and they want to know what's going on so they can give them self some kind of reassurance that they are doing better than you are. Or three, they were a grade younger than you in school and at that particular time, they just wanted something to pass the time.

Hopefully you find someone who loves you, you move in with them and carry on your relationship for along time. Of course everyday holding on and hoping your relationship is for real and not just one of those petty relationships where you're all cute and shit for a little while and then CRASH! Turns to shit. But for the sake of this blog, you guys stay together. :) However, after you have your other you pretty much have no one else unless you seem to make friends at work, but then again you can't trust them really.

This was just a little shock of reality. This is pretty much what happens after high school. Unless of course you go off and blow what little money you make, at your minimum wage job, on alcohol or some kind of drug. I just thought I would blog about this because honestly, I wish someone would have told me this is what to be expected when you graduated.

Wings.

Dearest blog,

Tonight, Adam and I were sitting at Wild Wings and I felt completely uncomfortable. So I do what I always do when I'm uncomfortable in public and just sort of stayed quiet, hold back tears, and waited for it to be all over. I think it's more or less just the fact that I do NOT like sitting at a table in the middle of the restaurant. I prefer a booth. However, this is neither here or there.

The point of this blow is to tell you about the little girl that sat diagonal from us. She was about 10 or 11 and was over weight and so was her mother.  Her and her mother were eating what looked like a burger and they ate it disgustingly. This brought back memories of my mom and I.

I remember being about that age and doing the same thing with my mother. But I also remember not liking to eat where everyone can see me. Because, you know, people do see you and they do judge you, just as I was always very paranoid about. People watch you from afar and make sure you can't see them watching you.

Anyways, while I was watching her and making sure her mother didn't see me staring and thinking I was some sort of freak. I thought about what I wish someone would have done to me when I was her age....just run up, grab my shoulders, shake me and tell me to stop eating because I'm only going to get bigger. I think if someone would have done that to me at that age, I would have been blessed with anorexia or some other kind of eating disorder because no one really messes with you when you're too skinny, but if you're slightly over weight, it's "fuck you".

I guess in my own sadistic way, I was trying to mentally save her from an over weight hell that the world so kindly makes for you.

Religion.

Dearest blog, 

Personally, I believe people of different religions can never coexist if we're too hung up on religion in itself. No matter how much Americans say they want peace they won’t take the first step towards it. They, somewhat, wait for it to just happen and just let people fight in the name of religion. With this being stated, it is fair to say that religion has also caused violence. 

Religious violence has probably existed for as long as religion. History has done nothing to calm the passions, hatred, and brutality expressed in the name of religion; if anything, the progress of science and technology have enabled religious extremists to hate and kill more effectively. Almost everyone would like to end the violence, but few understand its causes. Even worse, some religious believers are in denial about the causes and connections between violence and their religion. Which makes sense when every religion says to treat others kindly. Then again you can’t do that when you judge people for being different and not a copy of every other American. Many religions proclaim that they are peaceful and opposed to violence, but these same religions generally have traditions in which violence, war, and aggression not only exist but are permitted. However, most religious bigots do not see their own bigotry. 

In my opinion the people of the United states of America don't really believe in the First Amendment. The First Amendment says it  will protect your right to any religion but not the practice. To me, that is a little like saying “You can stick your hand in the cookie jar but you can’t have a cookie.” People of America may say they do believe in Freedom of Religion and that the law allows it, but in many ways it is not true when most Americans are Christian. 

This is my opinion  because I have witnessed this first hand. Being a different religion in a Christian society isn't easy. You are judged for not believing in the same thing that everyone else believes in and more than half the time you are told you are wrong, when in their mind they question their faith as well. Because honestly, if you have complete and total faith in your religion then why would you force it down someone else's throat instead of just saying to yourself "God will forgive them." Isn't that what the Christian religion says; that "God" loves everyone and forgives everyone for sinning? 

I’m not here to say which religion is right or wrong, I’m here to say that I think people should come to the conclusion that everyone is different and they have the right to worship, think, and believe in what they want. Such as the Article 18 of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights (1948) states, “Everyone has the right to freedom of thought, conscience, and religion; this right includes freedom to change his(her) religion or belief, and freedom, either alone or in a community with others and in public or private, to manifest his religion or belief in teaching, practice, worship, and observance.”

Just him.

Dearest blog,

Here's a poem I wrote. Just about him. Ya know? :) Enjoy, I hope you will. 

Just him. 

His voice whispers through my ears 

Like a song of a mocking bird 

His thoughtfulness fights away my fears

Like a silent ninja never heard 

His smile brings glee about me 

Like a child with a new ballon 

His eyes completely mesemorize me 

Like a bright star next to the moon

His good looks could murderously kill

Like a homocidle maniac 

His personality is somewhat confusing still

Like an enemy's plan to attack 

His hair is short and wonderful 

Like a velvet ribboned bow

His skin is unique and beautiful 

Like a single flake of snow

**N0T3: No matter how hard I try to or wish to describe, I will NEVER be able to say what he means to me or how he makes me feel.**

yeah.

Dearest blog,

You know those night when you just realize everything is perfect? Yeah, I'm having one of those nights. Granted, all day wasn't the best of days, but at the end of the night when your with someone who loves you, you see that everything is perfect. Even when that person knows you have flaws and still sees the beauty in everything about you, it's wonderful. Just makes me grateful. <3

That is all.

Yule.

Dearest blog,

I am Wiccan so I don't celebrate christmas, but instead we celebrated Yule. Yule, to sum it up, is pretty much like christmas with out the jesus and the satan clause. We still do big dinners and gifts, but it's pretty much to celebrate the changing of the season.

The reason I want to blog about this is because last night, before 12am, Adam and I were talking about it and he wanted to celebrate Yule instead of "christmas" beings I am Wiccan and he is reasonably an Atheist. So celebrating Yule for him is just "christmas" with out the religion and bull shit stories.

Personally, I loved this. I know most people really wouldn't make a big deal about it, but it's the fact that Adam was willing to celebrate a holiday with me, doing it the Wiccan way. I think more or less it was the fact that I felt accepted and that some one was willing to accept the way I live and celebrate the holidays. It brought me joy. :)

So to everyone else out there. I hope you had/have a wonderful Hanukkah, Merry christmas, Happy Kwanza and a peaceful Yule. :)

A friend.

Dearest blog,

Have you ever met someone that just up and changes your life? For the good though, not in some negative way. I mean, significantly changed your life? I have met someone like that.

About 4 and a half years ago I met a friend online. At first we were just friends that talked every so often then we became friends that talked everyday. To this very day we still talk, which is always great because the friends I make just come and go. They come and go kind of like how Sebrina did. She was in my life for 7 years and turned on me. But this isn't about her. It's about someone else.

Like I was saying, I made a friend that didn't just change the fact that I had one more friend, but he changed the way I thought about things. See, we share the same kind of mental illnesses and how he coped with them is how I learned to cope. How he thought about things in a certain manner is how I eventually learned to think. We share the same religion so we had that "other person" to celebrate with. I mean, he had his friends to celebrate with, but he also celebrated them with me, even though we just did that online. We use to share all our closest, most secret stories to each other. Which I can't lie, it's always nice to talk to someone who knows what you're going through. So all in all I'm glad we met.

I just wanted to say that. :)
The end.

Fail.

Dearest blog,

Adam and I went to the store after I got off of work. Well, we bought a bunch of sugary goodness and a ginger bread house. When we get home we decided to put together our little house. First off, the house was broken in a few spots but I wanted to go ahead and do it while Adam ate our Santa Clause. I soon found out that the icing just likes to stick to you instead of the house. But I still kept trying. Well while I'm trying to hold the roof to the house, I ended up pushing too hard and broke the roof. So I looked over at Adam and told him "Fuck it, we're moving."

I thought it was funny... and sweet. :D So once the house was on the little plastic ground it came with, I picked up a window and started eating it. Even though our ginger bread house was a fail I still had fun.


:)

I remember...

Dearest blog,

I remember being really little and....

• Trying to wear my dads shoes to walk around. 
• I didn't like Barney but Baby Bop was the best. 
• Thinking that the alphabet went "L-a meno-P". 
• Trying to pull all the heads off my Barbie dolls. 
• Shopping with my parents and facing towards my dad and walking on his feet as if I was taking giant steps. 
• Filling up the bathtub completely and then getting in it. 
• Watching Saturday morning cartoons. 
• Having nightmares and my dad would make all the bad guys go away.
• Being sent to my room was the worst. 
• Nintedo 64 was the only gaming system we had and only you could blow in your games and make them work. 
• My parents kissed me good night. 
• If I didn't have anything nice to say then I shouldn't say it at all. 
• If mom said "no" that meant go ask dad. 
• My favorite color in the crayon box was dandelion yellow. 
• Counting past 10 and the number was "Eleventy". 
• Going to the auction with my parents and yelling out "Five dollars! Who's in?!" 
• Watching the News was like a punishment.
• Falling asleep in the car before we got home so I didn't have to walk to my room.
• Making fun of my moms feet with my dad.
• Hearing that there was nothing prettier than a bare-footed pregnant woman.
• Just wanting to be with my older sister again.
• Christmas was only about presents. 
• Eating banana popsicles with my dad and watching Tales From the Crypt. 

I don't know blog, I just felt like saying a few things that I remembered when I was really little. I remember so much more but these are just a few things. I have no idea why my mind was wrapped around these things tonight. I guess maybe it is just because when I was little, things were just so much... easier.

"Being me is generally a positive thing, granted being us is even better."

Dearest blog,

I can't sleep right now. Something is on my mind... obviously. It's pertaining to Sir Adam.

Going back to when we first "talked" to each other. He sent me a message on a social networking site and in all honesty at that point in time I didn't really think anything of it other than it was pretty random. I had a boyfriend at the time so I wasn't looking for another guy in my life other than a friend. Well, every once in awhile we would IM each other and talk for a bit.

We met up one night and hung out but again I had plans to move so I didn't expect anything to happen between us other than we would be friends. Well see, one night I was pretty down and I posted my status as "I wish I could hear a man sing to me". There were a few people that sent me songs by bands that had male singers, but none of which I was looking for. Then Adam IMs me and said he sang me a song. It was too sweet. And of course he sent it to me and that's pretty much what one me over.

At this time, I was still "dating" this other boy but I had all intentions of breaking up with him for Adam but of course just because I had a boyfriend at the time didn't mean I wasn't going to hang out with Sir Adam. He would mostly just come and pick me up from work, we'd hang out for a few hours, then he'd take me back to my parents house, and we would IM the rest of the night until one of us fell asleep. However,  every time we hung out, we kept it clean. There was no kissing or anything beyond that point. I mean, I was "taken" at this time and I've never been a cheater and never will be one.

Well one night the boy I was dating at the time pretty much made me feel like shit and Adam pretty much just had enough of it and thought, just as I did, that it was time for me to break up with him. So I did. Well that boy pulled the pity card and didn't want me to leave him and all that, but it was too late. Not even 15 minutes after I broke up with that guy, I was hanging out at Adam's house again. I remember it as if it just happened:

Adam and I were sitting on the couch, he had his arms around me, and he said "So how long do I have to wait before I can make you mine?". Needless to say I was already his but I didn't say yes right away....I waited a day if that. Haha. I couldn't say no to him anymore.

Let's fast forward a little....I remember being at work one night and Adam came up there. I don't remember if he came to just see me or if he was taking me home that night but he was there. He was slightly nervous about something, I could see that on his face and he just blurts out this long way to say 'I love you'. It was too cute. He was pretty much trying to say he loved me and say that he knows it's too early and how he thought he shouldn't say it yet but that he just couldn't NOT say it. Too cute. So I kissed him and said it back.

Let's fast forward to tonight.... I was lying in bed next to Adam, listening to him slowly fall to sleep, and all of this just came at me. We met randomly, became friends, started dating, fell in love, and moved in together (which is a long story so that will be it's on blog one day). Never would I have imagined living with, snuggled close to, and in love with this boy that sent me a random message online. But it happened and I'm glad it happened. I'm happy with him. :)

I see...

Dearest blog,

I know I am slipping. I said that I would write er...type everyday, but to be honest with you, there's some days where nothing at all is going on thus there being nothing to talk about.

However, I managed to get Adam his x-mas present. :D I got him a ***********, *********, and a ****** yeah...I'd tell you guys but he reads my blog too and that would just totally spoil the surprise. But there are 3 gifts....kinda.

In other news, we are dying our hairs again. This time...BLACK. No more pink for me. At least not yet. I decided to change it again. Not because I was tired of the pink, it was just fading and turned into a cotton candy pink and orange color. So, no. It looked alright on me, but I wanted to change it. And I have. WOOT BLACK! ^_^

The little things.

Dearest blog,

Waking up to drink warm coffee, going outside to smoke a cigarette in the cold, taking warm showers, having clean clothes, working hard and getting your paycheck, coming home at the end of the night to someone who loves you. These are just little things but the little things add up and matter a lot more. I love the little things in my life. :) They make me happy to be around and keep my spirits high.

I think a lot of people take these things for granted. I'm just happy to have them. I think that appreciating the little things make you a much better person. Even if you're not rich with money but you love the little things you get out of life....I think that makes you rich in so many more ways.

I was told once "The saying 'money can't buy happiness' is a lie because have you ever seen a poor man skipping around? No, you see them begging for money." And honestly, I don't think that is entirely true. I think that happiness comes from the things that you do have not the things you want. There are a lot of rich people that can buy anything they want but still never reach the level of happiness they wish to obtain. Although money would help out a poor man and he would be able to have a better roof over his head or even have a roof for that matter, but it might not make him incredibly happy with everything.

So I end this here, enjoy the little things in life, because in an instant you could lose them all and just wish to have them back.

Shot to shit.

Dearest blog,

Do you ever think that you're about to get something and then come to find out you're not getting it for awhile? But I mean, like you've been waiting all weekend and you just had to make it another 7 hours to get it and then you find out its not happening for another, at least, 72 hours?

Dearest blog, what I am referring to is my day off. I spent all day yesterday thinking I had Monday off and today I just had to psyche myself up to get past today so I could have my day off. But once I got to work my boss so pleasantly told me I don't have tomorrow off. My next day off isn't until Thursday. Now, when he told me such a story I had to check the schedule and I'll be damned if he wasn't right. Needless to say, I've been in a bad mood all day.

Now, it wasn't just the fact that my day off seemed to have been pushed back, but a few other things were working my nerves. So I find out my day off is so far away now and my day just downhill spiraled from there. It's in the dinner rush and the new cook that was working with me messes up this man's order, not once but twice. I know I shouldn't really be bothered by that, but I feel like I'm being blamed for that as well. Then it gets to the point where I'm answering phones and this man and his wife curse me out on the phone because they didn't want to pay $55 for their 5 pizzas and 2 liters of soda. They cursed me out like it was my fault, personally, for it coming out the way it did. Then I had some man get really mad at me for hanging up the phone after he left me on hold for 5 minutes. Now this wasn't your normal "Can you hold on a second.". This was "Hey, hold on." and then he actually pushed the hold button and left me there for 5 minutes. There was background music and all.

I don't know blog, sometimes you just have a shitty day. Not only did it start off bad, but every time it looked like it was going to get better, it shot to shit one more time. :-/