This is my life.

Dearest blog,

Recently my moods have just dropped. Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if I hit a hard place and fell into a deep depression. I've already started to cry at night, get angry when I feel the slightest bit of boredom, and even sigh deeply for no reason because, really, breathing normally is just SO "over-rated". But, I can't blame anyone by myself. This is the life I chose, and now I have to live it.

See blog, I've put thought into this, and well, I seem to think I have figured out the source.

1. Being boring. I've always mentally been older and more boring than most people. I hardly ever went out with friends. If someone asked if I wanted to hang out, most of the time I would just say I couldn't. I said this a lot because I was afraid to even ask my parents because of my fear of rejection and having an argument with them. So I just stayed home. Sat in bed. Staring blankly at my laptop screen. Which is sadly, still my life.   
2. My weight. I've always been bigger than everyone else. It stopped bothering me for about 6 months out of my entire teenage years, but of course, I began to hate myself for what I was...er...am. At first when I realized I was bigger than all the other kids, I didn't care. You know, "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me."? Yeah, I believed that for awhile, or at least I told myself I did. I mostly just ignored the fact I was huge and carried on. Then it hit me in high school. Not only did the boys I like not like me because of how big I was, (except for the ones that likes me for what I was, but sadly I ended up ruining because I was too scared about everything that I felt the need to ruin everything.) but the boys that did like me really weren't the guys I WANTED to date, but the guys I settled for because I didn't think I could do better. Plus, what all the average sized kids were doing, fatty couldn't do, which resulted in me staying home eating and crying because what else was there to do? My friends were all too busy having fun to know how I felt as I sat at home. Which is sadly, still my life. 
3. Lack of motivation. I've always wanted to be a thin, fun loving, energetic, excited for everything, kind of girl. So I thought "If I got thin, then I'd have a lot more fun, wouldn't feel so self conscious, and my friends would love me." And even for awhile I started going to the gym in my neighborhood, going swimming, doing those stupid ass workout things on the t.v., I tried it all. I even wrote down what I ate the entire day just so I wouldn't eat it anymore....but it all failed. I finally realized that if no one was going to like me when I'm fat, no one will like me if I was skinny. I can't do it for me, and i certainly can't do it for anyone else. Which is sadly, still my life.

Even with all this being said and this still being my life, I want to change it. I want to have more fun. I want to be able to have fun, and go out, make a lot of noise, be the life of the party for once. But sadly, I highly doubt that will happen. I'll probably just continue to sit behind my computer screen, staring at it blankly until I have kids one day. Then I'll raise them until they feel like they should be going out and having fun with the friends I never had. Not wanting to be seen by their "totally uncool mom". Then I'll go back to sitting behind my compute screen, staring at it blankly. But like I said, this is the life I chose, and I have to live it.