The Chaos Theory.

Dearest blog,

Today I recently rediscovered an old CD, yes, I said CD, that helped me realize how to take life and what it should be about. This CD is called The Chaos Theory. Inside this CD is about a three paragraphs stating what the Chaos Theory is. This is what it says.....

"When you die, and come to stand before your book of life, what do you think you will find? For each new experience that you have, a page is added to this book, making it fuller and longer. If you lead an adventurous life, your book will be an enormous tome, full of wondrous experiences, accomplishments, and yes, even failures. Unfortunately, many people are stuck on the same page because they are caught up in a routine, such as going to work, coming home, watching tv, and going to sleep, with very little deviation from the norm. They are mired on that same page, so no new pages are written in their book of life, and when they die it will be very thin. They know what tomorrow will bring, because they lived it the day before. When they think back on their life, it will appear that time has flown by, because they have no strong memories to grasp on to. That same day they kept living over and over will be remembered as just one long day. 

Live your days with this knowledge, because with new experiences also comes wisdom, and a deeper understanding of life and what comes after. Never pass by any good opportunity, for it may never come again. Don't be controlled by your fears, because this leads to regret, and regret is the heaviest weight one can carry. Chaos provides strength, because even though at times it may be dangerous, it can get you pointed in the right direction, even when all other factors hold you back. In other words, sometimes you just have to say, "Fuck it!" and just do something even if it doesn't make total sense or wasn't planned out. Chaos mixed with passion is like keys opening the doors to your desires. The more freely you behave, the more free you will become and you shall break free of the prison that is all like to be your own mind. Besides, think of all the stories you'll be able to tell whether good or bad. 

So, tell that girl how you feel, break up with that jobber you're too afraid to leave, ditch that whack city and move to where ever the hell you want to live, save your money and take that trip overseas, do things on the spur of the moment, start that business you were thinking about, take a stick and beat that mother fucker who hit your sister, visit your old friend that you haven't seen in years-- whatever it is you want to do. Now is the time. Live in the present. Don't talk about what you are going to do one day--start making it happen today. This is the Chaos Theory: that chaos can bring strength, adventure, and make your dreams possible, where rational thought might fail. Living your life in this way, for better or worse, is sure to be more entertaining  that not living your life at all."

To me, this meant a lot. Not in a religious way, but a way to live life. Instead of sitting around doing the same old boring stuff everyday, get out there and do something different. You'll have plenty of time to be boring when you're in your nursing home trying to remember who you are. Leave a mark on this world. If not for you, then for the people that know you, friends, family. Give them something to talk about after you're buried 6ft under. 

I hope this meant something to you, like it did for me. 

This is my life.

Dearest blog,

Recently my moods have just dropped. Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if I hit a hard place and fell into a deep depression. I've already started to cry at night, get angry when I feel the slightest bit of boredom, and even sigh deeply for no reason because, really, breathing normally is just SO "over-rated". But, I can't blame anyone by myself. This is the life I chose, and now I have to live it.

See blog, I've put thought into this, and well, I seem to think I have figured out the source.

1. Being boring. I've always mentally been older and more boring than most people. I hardly ever went out with friends. If someone asked if I wanted to hang out, most of the time I would just say I couldn't. I said this a lot because I was afraid to even ask my parents because of my fear of rejection and having an argument with them. So I just stayed home. Sat in bed. Staring blankly at my laptop screen. Which is sadly, still my life.   
2. My weight. I've always been bigger than everyone else. It stopped bothering me for about 6 months out of my entire teenage years, but of course, I began to hate myself for what I was...er...am. At first when I realized I was bigger than all the other kids, I didn't care. You know, "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me."? Yeah, I believed that for awhile, or at least I told myself I did. I mostly just ignored the fact I was huge and carried on. Then it hit me in high school. Not only did the boys I like not like me because of how big I was, (except for the ones that likes me for what I was, but sadly I ended up ruining because I was too scared about everything that I felt the need to ruin everything.) but the boys that did like me really weren't the guys I WANTED to date, but the guys I settled for because I didn't think I could do better. Plus, what all the average sized kids were doing, fatty couldn't do, which resulted in me staying home eating and crying because what else was there to do? My friends were all too busy having fun to know how I felt as I sat at home. Which is sadly, still my life. 
3. Lack of motivation. I've always wanted to be a thin, fun loving, energetic, excited for everything, kind of girl. So I thought "If I got thin, then I'd have a lot more fun, wouldn't feel so self conscious, and my friends would love me." And even for awhile I started going to the gym in my neighborhood, going swimming, doing those stupid ass workout things on the t.v., I tried it all. I even wrote down what I ate the entire day just so I wouldn't eat it anymore....but it all failed. I finally realized that if no one was going to like me when I'm fat, no one will like me if I was skinny. I can't do it for me, and i certainly can't do it for anyone else. Which is sadly, still my life.

Even with all this being said and this still being my life, I want to change it. I want to have more fun. I want to be able to have fun, and go out, make a lot of noise, be the life of the party for once. But sadly, I highly doubt that will happen. I'll probably just continue to sit behind my computer screen, staring at it blankly until I have kids one day. Then I'll raise them until they feel like they should be going out and having fun with the friends I never had. Not wanting to be seen by their "totally uncool mom". Then I'll go back to sitting behind my compute screen, staring at it blankly. But like I said, this is the life I chose, and I have to live it.

JB.

Dearest blog,

All day I've been thinking of a past friend that is no longer. It's not that we're not friends anymore, it's just....he's dead now. Sorry to be so blunt. I suppose telling the story is in line.

When I was really young, there was this boy that lived down the road from my family. They were all red-heads except for their father. Well, my friends' name was Joseph. Joseph and I always hung out with each other whenever my sister visited his older siblings. I remember Joseph and I use to play together in the dirt and swim in the pond. It was a happy moment when I was young. He was my best friend and pretty much one of the first guys I made friends with.

Things started to change....

Joseph fell into a deep depression (yes, at our age, about six or seven). I remember everyone at school use to make fun of him because he was an extremely curly red-head. He was picked on for his hair almost as badly as I was for being fat. He use to tell me all about what he went though at school as well as I would tell him about what happened to me. We were best friends. We shared all secrets. But to top off his curly red-haired beat downs at school, his parents were arguing and getting a divorce. "They don't love each other any more." as he put it. He cried to me about this. He had a right to, but I didn't know that would be the last time I seen him.

*Side note to keep in mind, this was about the only time I had actually ever been inside his house. *

Not only was I watching my best friend cry in the privacy of an empty living room, I was trying to keep him calm as much as I could. Just be there for him. I didn't know that all I was doing wasn't good enough. He ran outside to the shed and I called for him to come back. He kept running. I followed him after he got into the shed. I walked in and seen his arm covered in blood with cuts across them. I was very confused. Then, what seemed to happen in half a second, he told me to go and shot his self in the head. I stood there for what then seemed to be a life time, even though it was only a few seconds. My face dripped with tears that fell from my eyes without being able to be stopped. I ran home. I was scared.

I never said anything about what I seen until I was about fourteen. I had been put into a mental hospital for, ironically, attempted suicide. I told the doctor/therapist about seeing that. The doctor/therapist told my parents about all this, which they had the right to. My mom said that never happened and that Joseph was alive in another part of the country. I didn't believe her, because I know what I saw. I hated that she would say something like that, and pretty much call me a liar.

After awhile I dwelled on the thought of if he was really alive. If he could have lived through what I saw him do. I didn't know. I just know what I seen with my eyes. I also wondered what could have happened if I told someone what I saw that day. If that could of or would of helped. I guess I won't know. I just wanted to share.

Do you ever feel....

Dearest blog,

Is there ever a time that you feel completely unloved because of one single action or one word? Maybe not the words that are said or the actions made, maybe it's just what was not done. Well that's what this blog is about.

Lately I feel like emotionally I've been on the edge of a cliff, holding on to the limb of hope, anticipating for someone to rescue me from falling but help isn't on the way. So I try to pull myself up by saying it's all ok and that I can do this on my own. Then out of the horizon someone comes the distance. Instead, this someone comes and fools me into thinking I'll be saved, then they let me go.

There isn't any ONE specific person this goes to, it's just people in general. The ones you hold dear. Which I guess that's why they seem to do this to you. You expect so much from them because you would go that far for them. But then again, I think it's really my own doing for feeling this way. Like I said, I was already hanging off the cliff but I never really asked for help. I just hang there, assuming the person standing above me, seeing me there, would understand I need them.

I suppose I really am the one to blame here. I mean, not everyone will say the right thing or do the right thing, it's just so hard to understand what to do when you almost instantly feel disfavored by friends, family, and your significant other.

This entire blog is just about me being to emotional. Too easily hurt. Silly me.  But top it all off with not being able to ACTUALLY talk about what's wrong or what's bothering me.

I've been away.

Dearest blog,

I notice that I have been away for almost 2 weeks. I am terribly sorry. I can't say that A LOT has been going on, but a few things have happened. I'll give you the gist of what's been going on. I don't want to spend too much time on all of this.

First off, according to Adam, I grew a pair of balls. Not literally, figuratively. I somewhat have to agree with him there because it took a lot of nerve for me to up and quit my job like it did. I finally stood up and did what I wanted to do. Fuck knows, those people were working me like madd crazy for me to only be paid minimum wage.

Secondly, I've really been enjoying my passed few days with Adam. Like he says, "We have that once-in-a-life-time thing that most people search there entire lives to achieve and we've got it." In all honesty, I agree with Sir Adam. Not just because he's my boyfriend, but he's my best friend too. We are an amazing couple and that's not going to change.

Third...ly? Adam and I have been looking into this 2012 situation. We're not saying "OMG THE WORLDS GONNA END! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!". We've just been taking a mighty big interest into it. Some people believe the world is going to end. Some people believe that 2012 is the second coming of christ. As for Adam and I (and what seems to be scientists too) just seem to think that there's going to be a big change in the world (♪ It's the end of the world as we know it♪). Just as the Ice Age, the Bronze Age, and the Stone Age, this 2012 will be a change, not the end.  

For those leaving High School.

Dearest blog,

This is going to those who just graduated High School or who are about to graduate. You pretty much have two choices. One, you move out of your parents house, get a job, and postpone more school (if of course you decided to keep going.). Two, you go to get more schooling and realize that it wasn't all it's cracked up to be.

No one ever tells you that after high school you pretty much have no one. You have your parents, of course, that still talk to you just to see if you are doing alright without them. But all in all, I'm pretty sure after you move out they just kind of call every once in awhile because you're not with them anymore and they miss having someone around the house.

On occasion you'll hear from a friend who you use to go to school with.  You have those conversations on how many awesome times you had together. Slowly, deeper and deeper into the conversation you realize they are only talking to you because one of three reasons. One, they themselves have no one to talk to and seen that you were online or not busy at the store. Two, seen that you might not be doing so well and they want to know what's going on so they can give them self some kind of reassurance that they are doing better than you are. Or three, they were a grade younger than you in school and at that particular time, they just wanted something to pass the time.

Hopefully you find someone who loves you, you move in with them and carry on your relationship for along time. Of course everyday holding on and hoping your relationship is for real and not just one of those petty relationships where you're all cute and shit for a little while and then CRASH! Turns to shit. But for the sake of this blog, you guys stay together. :) However, after you have your other you pretty much have no one else unless you seem to make friends at work, but then again you can't trust them really.

This was just a little shock of reality. This is pretty much what happens after high school. Unless of course you go off and blow what little money you make, at your minimum wage job, on alcohol or some kind of drug. I just thought I would blog about this because honestly, I wish someone would have told me this is what to be expected when you graduated.

Wings.

Dearest blog,

Tonight, Adam and I were sitting at Wild Wings and I felt completely uncomfortable. So I do what I always do when I'm uncomfortable in public and just sort of stayed quiet, hold back tears, and waited for it to be all over. I think it's more or less just the fact that I do NOT like sitting at a table in the middle of the restaurant. I prefer a booth. However, this is neither here or there.

The point of this blow is to tell you about the little girl that sat diagonal from us. She was about 10 or 11 and was over weight and so was her mother.  Her and her mother were eating what looked like a burger and they ate it disgustingly. This brought back memories of my mom and I.

I remember being about that age and doing the same thing with my mother. But I also remember not liking to eat where everyone can see me. Because, you know, people do see you and they do judge you, just as I was always very paranoid about. People watch you from afar and make sure you can't see them watching you.

Anyways, while I was watching her and making sure her mother didn't see me staring and thinking I was some sort of freak. I thought about what I wish someone would have done to me when I was her age....just run up, grab my shoulders, shake me and tell me to stop eating because I'm only going to get bigger. I think if someone would have done that to me at that age, I would have been blessed with anorexia or some other kind of eating disorder because no one really messes with you when you're too skinny, but if you're slightly over weight, it's "fuck you".

I guess in my own sadistic way, I was trying to mentally save her from an over weight hell that the world so kindly makes for you.