Dearest blog,
All day I've been thinking of a past friend that is no longer. It's not that we're not friends anymore, it's just....he's dead now. Sorry to be so blunt. I suppose telling the story is in line.
When I was really young, there was this boy that lived down the road from my family. They were all red-heads except for their father. Well, my friends' name was Joseph. Joseph and I always hung out with each other whenever my sister visited his older siblings. I remember Joseph and I use to play together in the dirt and swim in the pond. It was a happy moment when I was young. He was my best friend and pretty much one of the first guys I made friends with.
Things started to change....
Joseph fell into a deep depression (yes, at our age, about six or seven). I remember everyone at school use to make fun of him because he was an extremely curly red-head. He was picked on for his hair almost as badly as I was for being fat. He use to tell me all about what he went though at school as well as I would tell him about what happened to me. We were best friends. We shared all secrets. But to top off his curly red-haired beat downs at school, his parents were arguing and getting a divorce. "They don't love each other any more." as he put it. He cried to me about this. He had a right to, but I didn't know that would be the last time I seen him.
*Side note to keep in mind, this was about the only time I had actually ever been inside his house. *
Not only was I watching my best friend cry in the privacy of an empty living room, I was trying to keep him calm as much as I could. Just be there for him. I didn't know that all I was doing wasn't good enough. He ran outside to the shed and I called for him to come back. He kept running. I followed him after he got into the shed. I walked in and seen his arm covered in blood with cuts across them. I was very confused. Then, what seemed to happen in half a second, he told me to go and shot his self in the head. I stood there for what then seemed to be a life time, even though it was only a few seconds. My face dripped with tears that fell from my eyes without being able to be stopped. I ran home. I was scared.
I never said anything about what I seen until I was about fourteen. I had been put into a mental hospital for, ironically, attempted suicide. I told the doctor/therapist about seeing that. The doctor/therapist told my parents about all this, which they had the right to. My mom said that never happened and that Joseph was alive in another part of the country. I didn't believe her, because I know what I saw. I hated that she would say something like that, and pretty much call me a liar.
After awhile I dwelled on the thought of if he was really alive. If he could have lived through what I saw him do. I didn't know. I just know what I seen with my eyes. I also wondered what could have happened if I told someone what I saw that day. If that could of or would of helped. I guess I won't know. I just wanted to share.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Do you ever feel....
Dearest blog,
Is there ever a time that you feel completely unloved because of one single action or one word? Maybe not the words that are said or the actions made, maybe it's just what was not done. Well that's what this blog is about.
Lately I feel like emotionally I've been on the edge of a cliff, holding on to the limb of hope, anticipating for someone to rescue me from falling but help isn't on the way. So I try to pull myself up by saying it's all ok and that I can do this on my own. Then out of the horizon someone comes the distance. Instead, this someone comes and fools me into thinking I'll be saved, then they let me go.
There isn't any ONE specific person this goes to, it's just people in general. The ones you hold dear. Which I guess that's why they seem to do this to you. You expect so much from them because you would go that far for them. But then again, I think it's really my own doing for feeling this way. Like I said, I was already hanging off the cliff but I never really asked for help. I just hang there, assuming the person standing above me, seeing me there, would understand I need them.
I suppose I really am the one to blame here. I mean, not everyone will say the right thing or do the right thing, it's just so hard to understand what to do when you almost instantly feel disfavored by friends, family, and your significant other.
This entire blog is just about me being to emotional. Too easily hurt. Silly me. But top it all off with not being able to ACTUALLY talk about what's wrong or what's bothering me.
Is there ever a time that you feel completely unloved because of one single action or one word? Maybe not the words that are said or the actions made, maybe it's just what was not done. Well that's what this blog is about.
Lately I feel like emotionally I've been on the edge of a cliff, holding on to the limb of hope, anticipating for someone to rescue me from falling but help isn't on the way. So I try to pull myself up by saying it's all ok and that I can do this on my own. Then out of the horizon someone comes the distance. Instead, this someone comes and fools me into thinking I'll be saved, then they let me go.
There isn't any ONE specific person this goes to, it's just people in general. The ones you hold dear. Which I guess that's why they seem to do this to you. You expect so much from them because you would go that far for them. But then again, I think it's really my own doing for feeling this way. Like I said, I was already hanging off the cliff but I never really asked for help. I just hang there, assuming the person standing above me, seeing me there, would understand I need them.
I suppose I really am the one to blame here. I mean, not everyone will say the right thing or do the right thing, it's just so hard to understand what to do when you almost instantly feel disfavored by friends, family, and your significant other.
This entire blog is just about me being to emotional. Too easily hurt. Silly me. But top it all off with not being able to ACTUALLY talk about what's wrong or what's bothering me.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
I've been away.
Dearest blog,
I notice that I have been away for almost 2 weeks. I am terribly sorry. I can't say that A LOT has been going on, but a few things have happened. I'll give you the gist of what's been going on. I don't want to spend too much time on all of this.
First off, according to Adam, I grew a pair of balls. Not literally, figuratively. I somewhat have to agree with him there because it took a lot of nerve for me to up and quit my job like it did. I finally stood up and did what I wanted to do. Fuck knows, those people were working me like madd crazy for me to only be paid minimum wage.
Secondly, I've really been enjoying my passed few days with Adam. Like he says, "We have that once-in-a-life-time thing that most people search there entire lives to achieve and we've got it." In all honesty, I agree with Sir Adam. Not just because he's my boyfriend, but he's my best friend too. We are an amazing couple and that's not going to change.
Third...ly? Adam and I have been looking into this 2012 situation. We're not saying "OMG THE WORLDS GONNA END! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!". We've just been taking a mighty big interest into it. Some people believe the world is going to end. Some people believe that 2012 is the second coming of christ. As for Adam and I (and what seems to be scientists too) just seem to think that there's going to be a big change in the world (♪ It's the end of the world as we know it♪). Just as the Ice Age, the Bronze Age, and the Stone Age, this 2012 will be a change, not the end.
I notice that I have been away for almost 2 weeks. I am terribly sorry. I can't say that A LOT has been going on, but a few things have happened. I'll give you the gist of what's been going on. I don't want to spend too much time on all of this.
First off, according to Adam, I grew a pair of balls. Not literally, figuratively. I somewhat have to agree with him there because it took a lot of nerve for me to up and quit my job like it did. I finally stood up and did what I wanted to do. Fuck knows, those people were working me like madd crazy for me to only be paid minimum wage.
Secondly, I've really been enjoying my passed few days with Adam. Like he says, "We have that once-in-a-life-time thing that most people search there entire lives to achieve and we've got it." In all honesty, I agree with Sir Adam. Not just because he's my boyfriend, but he's my best friend too. We are an amazing couple and that's not going to change.
Third...ly? Adam and I have been looking into this 2012 situation. We're not saying "OMG THE WORLDS GONNA END! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!". We've just been taking a mighty big interest into it. Some people believe the world is going to end. Some people believe that 2012 is the second coming of christ. As for Adam and I (and what seems to be scientists too) just seem to think that there's going to be a big change in the world (♪ It's the end of the world as we know it♪). Just as the Ice Age, the Bronze Age, and the Stone Age, this 2012 will be a change, not the end.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
For those leaving High School.
Dearest blog,
This is going to those who just graduated High School or who are about to graduate. You pretty much have two choices. One, you move out of your parents house, get a job, and postpone more school (if of course you decided to keep going.). Two, you go to get more schooling and realize that it wasn't all it's cracked up to be.
No one ever tells you that after high school you pretty much have no one. You have your parents, of course, that still talk to you just to see if you are doing alright without them. But all in all, I'm pretty sure after you move out they just kind of call every once in awhile because you're not with them anymore and they miss having someone around the house.
On occasion you'll hear from a friend who you use to go to school with. You have those conversations on how many awesome times you had together. Slowly, deeper and deeper into the conversation you realize they are only talking to you because one of three reasons. One, they themselves have no one to talk to and seen that you were online or not busy at the store. Two, seen that you might not be doing so well and they want to know what's going on so they can give them self some kind of reassurance that they are doing better than you are. Or three, they were a grade younger than you in school and at that particular time, they just wanted something to pass the time.
Hopefully you find someone who loves you, you move in with them and carry on your relationship for along time. Of course everyday holding on and hoping your relationship is for real and not just one of those petty relationships where you're all cute and shit for a little while and then CRASH! Turns to shit. But for the sake of this blog, you guys stay together. :) However, after you have your other you pretty much have no one else unless you seem to make friends at work, but then again you can't trust them really.
This was just a little shock of reality. This is pretty much what happens after high school. Unless of course you go off and blow what little money you make, at your minimum wage job, on alcohol or some kind of drug. I just thought I would blog about this because honestly, I wish someone would have told me this is what to be expected when you graduated.
This is going to those who just graduated High School or who are about to graduate. You pretty much have two choices. One, you move out of your parents house, get a job, and postpone more school (if of course you decided to keep going.). Two, you go to get more schooling and realize that it wasn't all it's cracked up to be.
No one ever tells you that after high school you pretty much have no one. You have your parents, of course, that still talk to you just to see if you are doing alright without them. But all in all, I'm pretty sure after you move out they just kind of call every once in awhile because you're not with them anymore and they miss having someone around the house.
On occasion you'll hear from a friend who you use to go to school with. You have those conversations on how many awesome times you had together. Slowly, deeper and deeper into the conversation you realize they are only talking to you because one of three reasons. One, they themselves have no one to talk to and seen that you were online or not busy at the store. Two, seen that you might not be doing so well and they want to know what's going on so they can give them self some kind of reassurance that they are doing better than you are. Or three, they were a grade younger than you in school and at that particular time, they just wanted something to pass the time.
Hopefully you find someone who loves you, you move in with them and carry on your relationship for along time. Of course everyday holding on and hoping your relationship is for real and not just one of those petty relationships where you're all cute and shit for a little while and then CRASH! Turns to shit. But for the sake of this blog, you guys stay together. :) However, after you have your other you pretty much have no one else unless you seem to make friends at work, but then again you can't trust them really.
This was just a little shock of reality. This is pretty much what happens after high school. Unless of course you go off and blow what little money you make, at your minimum wage job, on alcohol or some kind of drug. I just thought I would blog about this because honestly, I wish someone would have told me this is what to be expected when you graduated.
Monday, December 27, 2010
Wings.
Dearest blog,
Tonight, Adam and I were sitting at Wild Wings and I felt completely uncomfortable. So I do what I always do when I'm uncomfortable in public and just sort of stayed quiet, hold back tears, and waited for it to be all over. I think it's more or less just the fact that I do NOT like sitting at a table in the middle of the restaurant. I prefer a booth. However, this is neither here or there.
The point of this blow is to tell you about the little girl that sat diagonal from us. She was about 10 or 11 and was over weight and so was her mother. Her and her mother were eating what looked like a burger and they ate it disgustingly. This brought back memories of my mom and I.
I remember being about that age and doing the same thing with my mother. But I also remember not liking to eat where everyone can see me. Because, you know, people do see you and they do judge you, just as I was always very paranoid about. People watch you from afar and make sure you can't see them watching you.
Anyways, while I was watching her and making sure her mother didn't see me staring and thinking I was some sort of freak. I thought about what I wish someone would have done to me when I was her age....just run up, grab my shoulders, shake me and tell me to stop eating because I'm only going to get bigger. I think if someone would have done that to me at that age, I would have been blessed with anorexia or some other kind of eating disorder because no one really messes with you when you're too skinny, but if you're slightly over weight, it's "fuck you".
I guess in my own sadistic way, I was trying to mentally save her from an over weight hell that the world so kindly makes for you.
Tonight, Adam and I were sitting at Wild Wings and I felt completely uncomfortable. So I do what I always do when I'm uncomfortable in public and just sort of stayed quiet, hold back tears, and waited for it to be all over. I think it's more or less just the fact that I do NOT like sitting at a table in the middle of the restaurant. I prefer a booth. However, this is neither here or there.
The point of this blow is to tell you about the little girl that sat diagonal from us. She was about 10 or 11 and was over weight and so was her mother. Her and her mother were eating what looked like a burger and they ate it disgustingly. This brought back memories of my mom and I.
I remember being about that age and doing the same thing with my mother. But I also remember not liking to eat where everyone can see me. Because, you know, people do see you and they do judge you, just as I was always very paranoid about. People watch you from afar and make sure you can't see them watching you.
Anyways, while I was watching her and making sure her mother didn't see me staring and thinking I was some sort of freak. I thought about what I wish someone would have done to me when I was her age....just run up, grab my shoulders, shake me and tell me to stop eating because I'm only going to get bigger. I think if someone would have done that to me at that age, I would have been blessed with anorexia or some other kind of eating disorder because no one really messes with you when you're too skinny, but if you're slightly over weight, it's "fuck you".
I guess in my own sadistic way, I was trying to mentally save her from an over weight hell that the world so kindly makes for you.
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Religion.
Dearest blog,
Personally, I believe people of different religions can never coexist if we're too hung up on religion in itself. No matter how much Americans say they want peace they won’t take the first step towards it. They, somewhat, wait for it to just happen and just let people fight in the name of religion. With this being stated, it is fair to say that religion has also caused violence.
Religious violence has probably existed for as long as religion. History has done nothing to calm the passions, hatred, and brutality expressed in the name of religion; if anything, the progress of science and technology have enabled religious extremists to hate and kill more effectively. Almost everyone would like to end the violence, but few understand its causes. Even worse, some religious believers are in denial about the causes and connections between violence and their religion. Which makes sense when every religion says to treat others kindly. Then again you can’t do that when you judge people for being different and not a copy of every other American. Many religions proclaim that they are peaceful and opposed to violence, but these same religions generally have traditions in which violence, war, and aggression not only exist but are permitted. However, most religious bigots do not see their own bigotry.
In my opinion the people of the United states of America don't really believe in the First Amendment. The First Amendment says it will protect your right to any religion but not the practice. To me, that is a little like saying “You can stick your hand in the cookie jar but you can’t have a cookie.” People of America may say they do believe in Freedom of Religion and that the law allows it, but in many ways it is not true when most Americans are Christian.
This is my opinion because I have witnessed this first hand. Being a different religion in a Christian society isn't easy. You are judged for not believing in the same thing that everyone else believes in and more than half the time you are told you are wrong, when in their mind they question their faith as well. Because honestly, if you have complete and total faith in your religion then why would you force it down someone else's throat instead of just saying to yourself "God will forgive them." Isn't that what the Christian religion says; that "God" loves everyone and forgives everyone for sinning?
I’m not here to say which religion is right or wrong, I’m here to say that I think people should come to the conclusion that everyone is different and they have the right to worship, think, and believe in what they want. Such as the Article 18 of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights (1948) states, “Everyone has the right to freedom of thought, conscience, and religion; this right includes freedom to change his(her) religion or belief, and freedom, either alone or in a community with others and in public or private, to manifest his religion or belief in teaching, practice, worship, and observance.”
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Just him.
Dearest blog,
Here's a poem I wrote. Just about him. Ya know? :) Enjoy, I hope you will.
Just him.
His voice whispers through my ears
Like a song of a mocking bird
His thoughtfulness fights away my fears
Like a silent ninja never heard
His smile brings glee about me
Like a child with a new ballon
His eyes completely mesemorize me
Like a bright star next to the moon
His good looks could murderously kill
Like a homocidle maniac
His personality is somewhat confusing still
Like an enemy's plan to attack
His hair is short and wonderful
Like a velvet ribboned bow
His skin is unique and beautiful
Like a single flake of snow
**N0T3: No matter how hard I try to or wish to describe, I will NEVER be able to say what he means to me or how he makes me feel.**
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)