Thoughts I shouldn't have.

Dearest blog,

   Today I came across an artist I use to listen to frequently, BrightEyes. I decided I would listen to all of his music; all 10 albums and 5 EP's (yes, I'm missing one EP.) While listening to the first song I realized how wonderfully fragile his voice is and how much meaning his songs have.

   After getting through the first few songs (playing on random), the song Make A Plan To Love Me came on. Once the first word was spoken I was instantly hit with emotions and memories. Memories of someone who played a huge part in my life. I started remembering old conversations which has left a bitter-sweet impression where, anatomically, my heart would be. I say 'anatomically' because one specific spot in my chest felt like it dropped and my heart beat seemed like it sped up and slowed down at the same time.

   After awhile of being trapped in my own thoughts, the song I Must Belong Somewhere startled me and caught my attention. "Everything must belong somewhere. I know that now that's why I'm staying here." - straight from the chorus. This song completely reminded me of being about 16, lying in bed, hearing the song for the first time, and thinking to myself, "I know where I belong." Take a guess where that would be, or better yet, with whom. Like I said before, this all left me bitter-sweet.

   It makes me happy that I got to know him. Having someone in my life that never wanted to stop knowing how I felt. Someone who was the first person I turned to when there was a problem, and they were there to cheer me up and keep me from crying with a logical solution with my problem. He made me open my eyes and see the world for what it really was. Just knowing that everyday I got up, there was a guarantee for a smile, not just for my face, but for his. He was someone who kick-started myself esteem when I felt like I hit rock bottom. Nothing and no one could hurt me as long as he was around.

   Not only was all of that amazing, but I was someone he knew he could turn to when he needed to break down, well, as much as he could anyway. I was the optimism in his life that was full of pessimistic thoughts. I was someone he could share his poetry with and he was my number one supporter in my poetry. I was someone who waited up for him at night just to know he made it home safely. He never had to change himself around me and I never had to act differently. We were completely comfortable around each other, not one insecurity was to be found. He was someone who truly loved me.

   I digress......

   What makes me bitter is everything I mentioned is gone. I know longer talk to him. He's no longer in my life. Why you may ask, well, that's a long story in and of itself, but lets skip over what happened and say that it's my fault, because it is. I ruined my own fairy tale and I was the princess. I just wasn't able to realize that what I was doing was making me lose it all. I couldn't seem to just jump on the white horse and ride away with my prince. I still don't know why I ruined it. I wish I did. I really do.

   All of  my thoughts, my actions are almost unjustifiable looking back on them now. I know this isn't something I should be thinking about, but it's hard to let go of something that was all you ever wanted. I let it slip away. I wait for the day that I'll feel that way again. I try to keep my hopes high, but after remembering....let me change that, I never forgot about it.... But after uncovering so much today I'm not sure if that feeling is ever coming back. This may be something I will have to accept but I will continue to hope, because he wouldn't want me to give up on happiness.

On my mind.

"Why can we never go back to bed? Whose is the voice ringing in my head? Where is the sense in these desperate dreams? Why should I wake when I'm half past dead?"

Sadly, this is the way I've been feeling; "half past dead" as if it's a real time. I spend most nights sleeping for a short period of time then wake up and laying in bed thinking. Thinking about myself, my life, my once upon a time friends. Keeps me awake for awhile and then I just drift back into sleep. Thus the reason I wake up tired.

"Like a dream I had, in subconscious deep, here you come again only in my sleep and I remember you. I remember you like a memory of a time gone by. Many things I've seen still I can't deny that I remember you. Yes I remember the things you do to me."

I think everyone has a memory of someone they remember and hold so near to their heart. And no matter how much or how hard you try to forget them to make it through your own life, the memory of them keeps returning, as if they were suppose to ALWAYS be in your life.

"I want to heal you pretty sweet. I'll throw rose petals at your feet. I'll spend eternity comparing all my poetry to yours. I want to see love through your eyes. You'll never have to compromise. I'd give up all my fame to  bite your demons and your bloody woes." 

I think every girl has one person that treated her like a queen in every way. Spent her days talking to him all day long and never once a dull conversation.  He even was able to let her close and tell her his deepest desires as well as sharing his fears. Someone they looked up to with every bone in her body. Someone who would die for them. Someone who would make sure they were happy.














Sometimes, I think about this person and just wonder.  Wonder if anyone will ever been this person again. As much as I think about it, I know it's impossible and I should stop thinking about it. However, as much as I try, it probably wont every happen. I'll probably never stop remembering this person and comparing everyone to them. But then again, why should I? Someone who made me feel that amazing, someone who lifted my self confidence, someone who dealt with me when I was nearly impossible to talk to, someone who helped me become who I am, why should I ever forget that person?  I shouldn't have to and no one should ever ask that of me. If anyone ever was to do that, they should stop and think about how much different I would be without that person ever being in my life, and they should stop and thank that person.

The Chaos Theory.

Dearest blog,

Today I recently rediscovered an old CD, yes, I said CD, that helped me realize how to take life and what it should be about. This CD is called The Chaos Theory. Inside this CD is about a three paragraphs stating what the Chaos Theory is. This is what it says.....

"When you die, and come to stand before your book of life, what do you think you will find? For each new experience that you have, a page is added to this book, making it fuller and longer. If you lead an adventurous life, your book will be an enormous tome, full of wondrous experiences, accomplishments, and yes, even failures. Unfortunately, many people are stuck on the same page because they are caught up in a routine, such as going to work, coming home, watching tv, and going to sleep, with very little deviation from the norm. They are mired on that same page, so no new pages are written in their book of life, and when they die it will be very thin. They know what tomorrow will bring, because they lived it the day before. When they think back on their life, it will appear that time has flown by, because they have no strong memories to grasp on to. That same day they kept living over and over will be remembered as just one long day. 

Live your days with this knowledge, because with new experiences also comes wisdom, and a deeper understanding of life and what comes after. Never pass by any good opportunity, for it may never come again. Don't be controlled by your fears, because this leads to regret, and regret is the heaviest weight one can carry. Chaos provides strength, because even though at times it may be dangerous, it can get you pointed in the right direction, even when all other factors hold you back. In other words, sometimes you just have to say, "Fuck it!" and just do something even if it doesn't make total sense or wasn't planned out. Chaos mixed with passion is like keys opening the doors to your desires. The more freely you behave, the more free you will become and you shall break free of the prison that is all like to be your own mind. Besides, think of all the stories you'll be able to tell whether good or bad. 

So, tell that girl how you feel, break up with that jobber you're too afraid to leave, ditch that whack city and move to where ever the hell you want to live, save your money and take that trip overseas, do things on the spur of the moment, start that business you were thinking about, take a stick and beat that mother fucker who hit your sister, visit your old friend that you haven't seen in years-- whatever it is you want to do. Now is the time. Live in the present. Don't talk about what you are going to do one day--start making it happen today. This is the Chaos Theory: that chaos can bring strength, adventure, and make your dreams possible, where rational thought might fail. Living your life in this way, for better or worse, is sure to be more entertaining  that not living your life at all."

To me, this meant a lot. Not in a religious way, but a way to live life. Instead of sitting around doing the same old boring stuff everyday, get out there and do something different. You'll have plenty of time to be boring when you're in your nursing home trying to remember who you are. Leave a mark on this world. If not for you, then for the people that know you, friends, family. Give them something to talk about after you're buried 6ft under. 

I hope this meant something to you, like it did for me. 

This is my life.

Dearest blog,

Recently my moods have just dropped. Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if I hit a hard place and fell into a deep depression. I've already started to cry at night, get angry when I feel the slightest bit of boredom, and even sigh deeply for no reason because, really, breathing normally is just SO "over-rated". But, I can't blame anyone by myself. This is the life I chose, and now I have to live it.

See blog, I've put thought into this, and well, I seem to think I have figured out the source.

1. Being boring. I've always mentally been older and more boring than most people. I hardly ever went out with friends. If someone asked if I wanted to hang out, most of the time I would just say I couldn't. I said this a lot because I was afraid to even ask my parents because of my fear of rejection and having an argument with them. So I just stayed home. Sat in bed. Staring blankly at my laptop screen. Which is sadly, still my life.   
2. My weight. I've always been bigger than everyone else. It stopped bothering me for about 6 months out of my entire teenage years, but of course, I began to hate myself for what I was...er...am. At first when I realized I was bigger than all the other kids, I didn't care. You know, "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me."? Yeah, I believed that for awhile, or at least I told myself I did. I mostly just ignored the fact I was huge and carried on. Then it hit me in high school. Not only did the boys I like not like me because of how big I was, (except for the ones that likes me for what I was, but sadly I ended up ruining because I was too scared about everything that I felt the need to ruin everything.) but the boys that did like me really weren't the guys I WANTED to date, but the guys I settled for because I didn't think I could do better. Plus, what all the average sized kids were doing, fatty couldn't do, which resulted in me staying home eating and crying because what else was there to do? My friends were all too busy having fun to know how I felt as I sat at home. Which is sadly, still my life. 
3. Lack of motivation. I've always wanted to be a thin, fun loving, energetic, excited for everything, kind of girl. So I thought "If I got thin, then I'd have a lot more fun, wouldn't feel so self conscious, and my friends would love me." And even for awhile I started going to the gym in my neighborhood, going swimming, doing those stupid ass workout things on the t.v., I tried it all. I even wrote down what I ate the entire day just so I wouldn't eat it anymore....but it all failed. I finally realized that if no one was going to like me when I'm fat, no one will like me if I was skinny. I can't do it for me, and i certainly can't do it for anyone else. Which is sadly, still my life.

Even with all this being said and this still being my life, I want to change it. I want to have more fun. I want to be able to have fun, and go out, make a lot of noise, be the life of the party for once. But sadly, I highly doubt that will happen. I'll probably just continue to sit behind my computer screen, staring at it blankly until I have kids one day. Then I'll raise them until they feel like they should be going out and having fun with the friends I never had. Not wanting to be seen by their "totally uncool mom". Then I'll go back to sitting behind my compute screen, staring at it blankly. But like I said, this is the life I chose, and I have to live it.

JB.

Dearest blog,

All day I've been thinking of a past friend that is no longer. It's not that we're not friends anymore, it's just....he's dead now. Sorry to be so blunt. I suppose telling the story is in line.

When I was really young, there was this boy that lived down the road from my family. They were all red-heads except for their father. Well, my friends' name was Joseph. Joseph and I always hung out with each other whenever my sister visited his older siblings. I remember Joseph and I use to play together in the dirt and swim in the pond. It was a happy moment when I was young. He was my best friend and pretty much one of the first guys I made friends with.

Things started to change....

Joseph fell into a deep depression (yes, at our age, about six or seven). I remember everyone at school use to make fun of him because he was an extremely curly red-head. He was picked on for his hair almost as badly as I was for being fat. He use to tell me all about what he went though at school as well as I would tell him about what happened to me. We were best friends. We shared all secrets. But to top off his curly red-haired beat downs at school, his parents were arguing and getting a divorce. "They don't love each other any more." as he put it. He cried to me about this. He had a right to, but I didn't know that would be the last time I seen him.

*Side note to keep in mind, this was about the only time I had actually ever been inside his house. *

Not only was I watching my best friend cry in the privacy of an empty living room, I was trying to keep him calm as much as I could. Just be there for him. I didn't know that all I was doing wasn't good enough. He ran outside to the shed and I called for him to come back. He kept running. I followed him after he got into the shed. I walked in and seen his arm covered in blood with cuts across them. I was very confused. Then, what seemed to happen in half a second, he told me to go and shot his self in the head. I stood there for what then seemed to be a life time, even though it was only a few seconds. My face dripped with tears that fell from my eyes without being able to be stopped. I ran home. I was scared.

I never said anything about what I seen until I was about fourteen. I had been put into a mental hospital for, ironically, attempted suicide. I told the doctor/therapist about seeing that. The doctor/therapist told my parents about all this, which they had the right to. My mom said that never happened and that Joseph was alive in another part of the country. I didn't believe her, because I know what I saw. I hated that she would say something like that, and pretty much call me a liar.

After awhile I dwelled on the thought of if he was really alive. If he could have lived through what I saw him do. I didn't know. I just know what I seen with my eyes. I also wondered what could have happened if I told someone what I saw that day. If that could of or would of helped. I guess I won't know. I just wanted to share.

Do you ever feel....

Dearest blog,

Is there ever a time that you feel completely unloved because of one single action or one word? Maybe not the words that are said or the actions made, maybe it's just what was not done. Well that's what this blog is about.

Lately I feel like emotionally I've been on the edge of a cliff, holding on to the limb of hope, anticipating for someone to rescue me from falling but help isn't on the way. So I try to pull myself up by saying it's all ok and that I can do this on my own. Then out of the horizon someone comes the distance. Instead, this someone comes and fools me into thinking I'll be saved, then they let me go.

There isn't any ONE specific person this goes to, it's just people in general. The ones you hold dear. Which I guess that's why they seem to do this to you. You expect so much from them because you would go that far for them. But then again, I think it's really my own doing for feeling this way. Like I said, I was already hanging off the cliff but I never really asked for help. I just hang there, assuming the person standing above me, seeing me there, would understand I need them.

I suppose I really am the one to blame here. I mean, not everyone will say the right thing or do the right thing, it's just so hard to understand what to do when you almost instantly feel disfavored by friends, family, and your significant other.

This entire blog is just about me being to emotional. Too easily hurt. Silly me.  But top it all off with not being able to ACTUALLY talk about what's wrong or what's bothering me.

I've been away.

Dearest blog,

I notice that I have been away for almost 2 weeks. I am terribly sorry. I can't say that A LOT has been going on, but a few things have happened. I'll give you the gist of what's been going on. I don't want to spend too much time on all of this.

First off, according to Adam, I grew a pair of balls. Not literally, figuratively. I somewhat have to agree with him there because it took a lot of nerve for me to up and quit my job like it did. I finally stood up and did what I wanted to do. Fuck knows, those people were working me like madd crazy for me to only be paid minimum wage.

Secondly, I've really been enjoying my passed few days with Adam. Like he says, "We have that once-in-a-life-time thing that most people search there entire lives to achieve and we've got it." In all honesty, I agree with Sir Adam. Not just because he's my boyfriend, but he's my best friend too. We are an amazing couple and that's not going to change.

Third...ly? Adam and I have been looking into this 2012 situation. We're not saying "OMG THE WORLDS GONNA END! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!". We've just been taking a mighty big interest into it. Some people believe the world is going to end. Some people believe that 2012 is the second coming of christ. As for Adam and I (and what seems to be scientists too) just seem to think that there's going to be a big change in the world (♪ It's the end of the world as we know it♪). Just as the Ice Age, the Bronze Age, and the Stone Age, this 2012 will be a change, not the end.